Vetting

Vetting a potential partner is an essential step for anyone involved in BDSM, where trust, compatibility, and safety are paramount. While the internet can be a useful tool for finding like-minded individuals, it also comes with risks that cannot be ignored. Careful vetting helps to identify red flags early on and ensures that interactions remain safe and respectful. This process is not about arranging in-person meetings but about gathering enough information to make informed decisions. Understanding how to vet effectively can save time, protect well-being, and build a foundation for meaningful connections.

A good place to start is the beginning because some exploring the lifestyle may not know what vetting. Vetting is the process of carefully evaluating someone to determine whether they are trustworthy, genuine, and compatible with your values or needs. In the world of BDSM, it becomes essential to ensure that someone is safe to interact with, especially in online spaces where red flags can be harder to spot and it is easier for predators to lurk. This process involves checking for consistency in behavior, looking for signs of respect for boundaries, and assessing how transparent they are about their intentions. It can include talking to others who know the person, verifying information, and paying attention to how they respond to questions or requests for clarity. While vetting takes time and patience, the goal is to protect yourself from potential harm and build healthier connections. In a community that values trust and mutual respect, thorough vetting helps to create more positive and rewarding experiences.

Establishing initial contact online requires clear and respectful communication right from the beginning. The way someone presents themselves in their profile can reveal a great deal, making it important to watch for red flags such as vague information, excessive secrecy, or an unwillingness to share even basic details. A well-written profile that outlines interests, experience, and boundaries is often a positive sign, while a lack of substance can suggest caution. Asking open-ended questions is an effective way to gauge intentions, allowing for a more natural conversation that reveals more than simple yes-or-no answers ever could. Questions about past experiences, what they seek in a partner, and how they handle conflict can offer valuable insights into their character. Genuine responses that align with their profile suggest authenticity, while evasive or overly polished answers might indicate a need for further scrutiny. Paying attention to these details early on can help in making informed choices about whether to proceed or not.

Verifying identity and intentions is a crucial step when connecting with someone online, especially in the context of BDSM. Using video calls can help confirm that the person is who they claim to be, reducing the risk of encountering catfishing or deception. A ‘real’ individual is usually open to reasonable requests for verification without hesitation or defensiveness, while avoidance or excuses can signal a need for caution. It is also important to pay attention to consistency in their responses and behavior across different platforms and over time. Someone who frequently contradicts themselves offers vague explanations, or changes their story might have something to hide. Clear and honest communication, on the other hand, builds confidence and helps establish a sense of security. Observing how they handle questions about their intentions, past experiences, and what they seek in a partner can reveal a lot about their authenticity. Manipulative behavior often involves pressuring for quick escalation or avoiding questions that require accountability. Taking the time to verify identity and intentions can prevent unpleasant surprises and build a stronger foundation for further interactions.

Direct conversations about experience levels, limits, and boundaries are essential when getting to know a potential partner online. Understanding each other’s roles, dynamics, and expectations early on can help prevent misunderstandings and build a sense of trust. Sharing previous experiences can offer useful context, but it is wise to avoid revealing too much too soon. A balanced exchange of information allows both sides to assess compatibility without feeling overwhelmed. Approaching these topics with honesty and respect sets a strong foundation for any potential connection.

Evaluating compatibility and values is crucial when vetting a potential partner online, as misalignment in core values, interests, or relationship goals can lead to conflict later on. Discussing topics like aftercare, communication styles, and consent practices early in the conversation helps to determine if both individuals share similar expectations and approaches to D/S dynamics. Open and honest dialogue about these subjects not only provides clarity but also sets the tone for transparency moving forward. It is important to pay attention to how directly and sincerely a potential partner responds, as vague or dismissive answers may suggest incompatibility or a lack of seriousness. Aligning values is not about finding a perfect match but ensuring that fundamental principles do not clash. Genuine honesty, even about differences, can build a stronger sense of trust than hollow agreements. Trust is not built overnight, but honest communication lays a solid foundation for it.

Recognizing red flags early on is essential when vetting a potential partner online. Common warning signs include a disregard for boundaries, rushing into or pushing for a relationship without proper discussion, or displaying inconsistent behavior that raises doubts. Someone who pushes for personal information too quickly or seems overly eager to establish control may not have the best intentions. Trusting instincts is crucial, as that uneasy feeling is often a sign that something is not right. Ignoring discomfort can lead to risky situations, so it is better to pause and reassess than to proceed with uncertainty. Having a trusted friend review conversations can provide an outside perspective, helping to catch red flags that might have been overlooked. A fresh set of eyes can spot manipulative language, excessive flattery, or other subtle tactics that might escape notice. Being cautious and seeking advice not only ensures safety but also builds confidence in the vetting process.

Taking your time and setting the pace is crucial when vetting a potential partner you have met online. Rushing into in-person meetings bypasses the opportunity to build genuine trust and assess compatibility thoroughly. Gradually deepening conversations allows for a better understanding of intentions, values, and communication styles without feeling pressured. Someone who wants to build with you will not only understand this need for patience but will also support it without pushing. Allowing the connection to develop naturally helps in making more confident and informed decisions.

Now it is time to stop with the professional-sounding stuff and get real. So please forgive the change in tone and the use of first-person as I pull out my old BDSM safety soapbox because the professional “Lightkeeper” is stepping aside and I am going to share some of what I have seen in my lifestyle journey. One last thing before I get going, I know this is running long, it is the internet, therefore attention spans are limited to 300 characters or less but vetting may save your life.

Do not think something “bad in BDSM” cannot happen to you, because it can. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s research shows that a quarter of all of us who explore or become involved in BDSM/kink will have our consent violated in the lifestyle. Think about yourself and three of your friends who are also kinky, statistically one you have had their consent violated, not by a vanilla, but by someone involved in this world where consent is prized. I share my personal experience and the lessons I learned, in the twentieth episode of my podcast, Chatting With The Lightkeeper, titled ‘Stay Safe, Avoid Flaming Cars,’ if you are interested in hearing it. Do not think you are too smart, too sexy, too unattractive, too well-known in the community, too experienced, or too anything because being “too” is just poo. It is not going to keep you safer and evil lurks in the hearts of many regardless of role, so pay attention to even the littlest things.

Trust is often talked about when it comes to BDSM and no matter what your relationship is with another person, from friendship to a full-blown relationship. It takes time to build confidence in that person and there is no way to skip the investment of time. While you are investing time in a person, never forget to trust but verify. There are no shortcuts to verifying if someone is Professor Boyd as they claim or Bonzo who has stayed up long past their bedtime.

While being honest and open is important especially while getting to know someone, it is also key to balance that by protecting yourself. For example, it is pretty common to ask someone new, “What do you do for a living?” Please do not say “I am a computer programmer for the WOPR Corporation and my office is suite 1632 in the Bruce Wayne Tower, downtown Gotham”. A better answer is “I am a computer programmer in the Gotham metropolis”. It is not rude or dishonest to be vague like this in the beginning. Until you start to get a handle on who you are corresponding with, protect yourself.

Here are six things I have found to be helpful as I have gotten to know people and it would be fabulous if you would add your tips in the comments at the end:

Consistency – Are their words matching up to what they have previously stated? Some signs of ‘trouble’ can be easy to spot, for example, they blow up your phone from nine to five (sing along with Dolly Parton) but when it is the evening they simply go poof. I am not talking about the poof that can happen to someone after a long day and they just toss the phone aside and collapse on the couch but a consistent pattern of refusing to engage on nights and weekends. This usually means they are partnered and looking for something on the side.

Verbiage – One big lesson I learned came from the little word ‘we’. Listen for the word ‘we’ when you are getting to know a person. I will endeavor to explain better because all of us do ‘we’ things from concerts with friends, dinner with family, to hikes with our dog but through my own very unscientific experience, those who are married/partnered (seeking that kinky bow chicka-wow-wow on the side) will slip with their use of we. In my case, the person I was getting to know expressed excitement for the upcoming weekend because their kids were going for an overnight Saturday at their Grandmother’s house and they were having a ‘girl’s night out’. When the conversation resumed on Sunday I asked what they did last night and the reply was “We met friends for dinner”. Ding-ding-ding, a red flag and so I said you forgot to mention you were in a relationship. A few hours later the reply came, that they were married. No matter what words someone new uses focus not only on the words but on what you read between them.

Ask questions – Never be afraid to ask a question, even if you wonder if it might be a elementary one. The only bad question is the one you do not ask. Speaking of questions, it is fine to ask questions that might trip someone up. Suppose you were chatting with a person on Monday about their weekend, what they did, where they went, and all that goodness. I think it is perfectly fine to circle back to it on Thursday and say “What did you do Saturday, I cannot remember?” even though you know the answer (or at least the one you were given before). By doing things like this you are just subtly verifying.

Are They Willing To Join You On The Voice? – No I am not talking about the TV show but invest in voice and video conversations because text-based communication can be simple, easy, and effective, however, actually hearing and seeing someone speak allows you to use another of our body’s amazing senses to pick up on a possible red flag. Please start with video chats even if you live nearby rather than just rush out to grab a cup of coffee. I believe it is best to invest the time in video chatting before jumping to ‘in person’. If you can talk for hours through a screen, then chances are you can talk for hours over coffee or whatever your beverage of choice is. If the person you are talking with refuses to video chat it is HUGE RED FLAG. They are HIDING something.

Whoa Partner, Slow Down – Seriously, when we meet someone new and we find them attractive it can very quickly become a runaway train in reality while in our wishful minds, we are just on an express train to eternal bliss. However, there are always many twists and turns on that route, so go slow. Make the time to discover if that train is safe to get aboard before you hop on.  If that person is the right fit, they will understand and support the need to be steady, sure, and safer.  

Your Gut Knows More Than Just When You Are Hungary – Please trust yourself! We live in a world where it feels like we are taught to trust our computers, phones, and a zillion other things rather than ourselves. The thing is when we feel something is off or someone is giving bad vibes most of the time we are correct. Trust yourself. If that new connection gives you the heebee jeebees, step away from them. Seriously, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, and get the heck away from them.

Excuse me for just a moment as I go change my clothes to look like your favorite kinky cop because I need to read you your kinktastic rights: “Anything you share online, can and will potentially be used against you.”

Now, the iconic ‘Dragnet’ theme plays, with its familiar “Dum-dum-dum-DUM-DUM’ melody” and a voice from far away yet close by says: “The story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.” And it could happen to you…

There is the old saying, a picture says a thousand words and that is even truer in the social-media-fueled times we live in. Imagine waking up one day to your friends, family, and your employer finding out that you are involved in BDSM! Not because you held a family meeting to share it but because they all received a friend request from your new kinktastic social media. You did not create that Instagram? And you certainly did not share that vid of yourself trying out those new gnarly nipple clamps but guess what, your Mom, Dad, Grandparents, as well as your brother Brad the Bible-Belter now know all about your “alternative lifestyle”. Plus, as an added bonus, your gossiping coworker Judy Judgment has shared this all around the office making sure that your manager and Human Resources were the first to receive the “info”.

How could this have happened?

You were just getting to know this sweet person and well they turned you on so you sent them a few naughty pics of your nawty bits because you wanted to turn them on too! Well, that person was not so sweet. They turned out to be a complete twatwaffle, and for whatever reason, they created fake social media accounts to ‘out’ you.

Oh, that cannot happen to you because you NEVER share any pictures that are even the least bit revealing and everything you share is Mickey Mouse-approved!

Well, this sadly happened to someone I know. The pictures they shared could have undergone the rigorous process of being approved by the mouse almighty but still damaged their life. Those mouse-approved pictures were put together on social media so that it appeared that this person is into BDSM (they are but not public about it), a sex worker (to damage their employment) in addition to mentioning their real career on the faux social media accounts created by the toxic twatwaffle. While there were no titillating images, those Mickey Mouse G-rated pictures coupled with the fake socials did impact their professional and personal relationships immediately and into the future.

How can you prevent something like that? First, use all your vetting skills and vetting superpowers while working your butt off to try to avoid those who would do that. Next, invest the time to decide what pictures you will share and then watermark them. While it is not foolproof, since some might try to crop out or alter the watermark, it does serve as a clear indicator that the image is your property making it more difficult for someone to claim the image as their own without getting caught. Adding a subtle but visible watermark in a place where it cannot easily be removed is a good strategy to protect yourself and take down the imposter should they try something nefarious.

Recently, I am seeing more and more advice advocating for the sharing of driver’s license information as part of the vetting process. It sounds like a great way to show that you are a real person except for Isaac Newton and his damn third law. Remember, it is the one for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. A Driver’s License or State ID contains not only your date of birth, and address but there is that unique number assigned to it as well. Indeed, this number will not allow a person to get credit in your name but there are dangerous things just your number can do for people. It can allow someone to say they are you to a police officer at a traffic stop, “I am sorry I forgot my license at home but here is the number” (they will never pay the tickets and leave you with a warrant), use your number to cash bad checks, doctor/forge a fake license with your name and their picture, and all sorts of not so fun police-related things. While it is not the Holy Grail of identity theft documents, like a social security number, a baddie does not have to be Indiana Jones, or need a whip to cause serious harm with just the information from your license.

Another well-meaning idea tied to vetting that is being talked about more and more is providing someone you might be interested in with a copy of your “background” check. Speaking for myself, the more someone tries to convince me that they are something, the more it convinces me they are not. In essence, if you feel that you have to work to show me that you are trustworthy (rather than allowing your words and deeds to speak for you), the more I am going to doubt you. So what does it mean to have someone give you a piece of paper that says BDSM Backgrounds Incorporated is pleased to report that Jiminy Cricket does not have any convictions (that we could locate) and is employed by the Disney Corporation. That might sound good but retail background checks have serious flaws. For example: convictions expunged, arrested but not charged (research shows about 60% of all DV cases get dropped), and crimes older than a certain number of years (seven is the median rule of thumb but there is no national law or standard). Additionally it is important to understand that most of the companies who provide this kind of ‘retail’ background check are not focused on the criminality of a person but are hyper-focused on an individual’s employment background because this data is easy to verify while exposing the companies to much less legal liability.

I am now putting my well-worn BDSM safety soap box away and turning my writing voice back to that of the “Lightkeeper” to wrap this up. Remember that effective vetting will save you time in the long run, is an important tool to help keep you mentally and physically safer, and lays the groundwork for meaningful connections from friendship to relationship. Taking the time to identify red flags and ensure your safety and compatibility is essential when exploring BDSM, especially online. Approach this process with caution and clarity as this will help you make more confident and informed decisions.

Please take a moment and share your tips and tricks on vetting in the comments below or if you have any questions go ahead, ask away. The more knowledge that is shared, the more empowered everyone will be.

---

Do not miss a moment!
Sign up for the monthly newsletter to stay updated on all the latest from Chatting With The Lightkeeper.