Raise a Glass to the Wankers
Here is to the absolute muppets of the world, the ones who still think social media is their playground for cringe-worthy attempts at finding romance. Raise a glass to the wankers who do not seem to grasp that starting a conversation with “DM me” or an extreme close-up of their private parts and I do not mean a VHS tape of the Howard Stern movie with the same name, is not, and will never be a smooth opener. These are the lovely folks who lurk in the digital shadows, terrified of actual human interaction, hoping that an ambiguous, one-size-fits-all message will miraculously make submissives fall at their feet. Spoiler alert: it will not.
First up in this parade of dimbos, are the fearless keyboard warriors who could not be bothered to form a coherent sentence. Instead of taking the daring leap into the abyss of normal conversation like, I do not know, saying “hello” or asking how someone’s day is, they go for the classic “DM me, now!” like it is a magic spell. A spell that, in their minds, will somehow turn strangers into submissive devotees. “Bold strategy, Cotton”. Let us see how that works out for them. (Hint: it does not.)
Then there are the brainless wonders who feel the need to add something truly special to the mix, like a sprinkle of dominance they picked up from their half-baked understanding of kink culture. “DM me so I can force you to submit,” says the gobshite who probably struggles to force a bottle of ketchup open. This is the same bloke who thinks “force” is sexy, but in reality, it is just a flashing neon sign that says, “I have no idea what I am talking about, and I have watched way too much bad porn.”
And no, this is not some suave charmer, this is some tosser who could not be trusted to dominate a game of checkers, let alone a human being’s consent. These twatwaffles think they are hot shit, but really, they are the cold leftovers of the kink world, trying to reheat themselves with sheer desperation.
Now, here is the fun part. Every single day, these misguided attempts at communication show up like an unwelcome bad smell. You delete, you block, and yet, like cockroaches, they just keep coming back, trying again with the same tired lines. It is as if they think there is a secret club of submissives who have not yet seen through their nonsense and are just waiting for that one golden “Hey, sexy” to appear in their DMs. Spoiler: there is not.
What is even more tragic is that these clowns are the reason some people give up on exploration altogether. Who in their right mind wants to deal with a stream of half-witted messages from someone who thinks “submissive” is synonymous with “automatically attracted to pathetic attempts at dumbinance?”
And so, raise a glass, nay, a whole bottle to the numpties of kinky internet: those who just cannot seem to grasp the basics of human interaction. The ones who will never understand that a conversation starts with mutual respect, not a lazy command. They are the unsung heroes of cringe, tirelessly providing endless fodder for blocked lists everywhere. Here is to the prats who think they are making waves, but are just drowning in their stupidity. Cheers to the wankers! May they never figure out how to properly engage with another human being, for the entertainment value is simply too good to give up.