In the diverse world of BDSM relationships, people navigate various connections that emphasize trust, communication, and mutual respect. Each relationship type within this spectrum carries unique characteristics and dynamics that cater to the specific needs and preferences of the individuals involved. Whether rooted in deep emotional bonds, shared interests, or specific kinks, these relationships provide frameworks for meaningful connections beyond traditional romantic or sexual relationships. Here is an exploration of some BDSM relationship types, showcasing the variety and complexity that these relationships can encompass.
Adult Nursing Relationship
Adult Nursing Relationships, or ANR, consists two (or more) adults in a relationship who engage in adult breastfeeding together. Usually one person in the relationship (who may or may not lactate) has a partner who suckles regularly as part of their intimate relationship together. This may or may not involve the breastfeeder expressing milk and isn’t necessarily a sexual relationship. An ANR is usually a form of loving committed relationship between the people involved as many people experience deep bonding through adult nursing.
Ambiamory
Ambiamory is the capability of experiencing and enjoying monogamous and polyamorous relationships.
Anchor Partner
A partner who one regards as a central figure in one’s life, a stable “rock” or “anchor” to lean on. An anchor partner relationship is typically long-standing and rather logistically entangled. Often used in non-hierarchical relationships for someone’s equivalent(s) of a primary partner.
Bromance
Bromance usually refers to a natural orientation for the bond, connection, and friendship between men, or masc identified persons.
This is often a term applied to a non sexual relationship between two men who share similar traits and likes.
Collared
A submissive person in a negotiated power exchange relationship. Collaring can be negotiated to be any length of time, or indefinite/permanent. There can be temporary or trial collars for the purpose of play. Collars of Consideration and Training might be used in the equivalence of vanilla engagement status. A permanent collar has been compared to a BDSM equivalent to a vanilla wedding ring without the state sanction. People can be collared to one or more people. People with any identities can be collared, but they are common in Master/slave and pet handler/pet type relationships.
Crushing
To “have a crush on someone” is to have intense passion or admiration for them and often signifies romantic interest.
When this relationship status is used on FetLife it is used to indicate consensual appreciation or romantic interest that is reciprocated between the people involved in the dynamic. It may be used to signal the early beginnings of a romantic partnership or as a way for people to show a deep level of passion between them when other labels don’t fit.
Cuddle Buddy
Person who is a regular cuddle partner, this can be in a platonic way, romantic, or otherwise. Often non-sexual in nature, this relationship is based on casual intimacy and physical touch.
Ethical Non-Monogamy
An umbrella term for having multiple relationships that are not monogamous, but are between people that are aware that the other person has other relationships and are consenting to these relationships. As a short hand this is often referred to as ENM.
Common forms that fall under ENM are open relationships, swingers, cuckolding, stag/vixen, hotwife/hothusband, polyamory and many others. These relationship types are different but everyone involved is aware of what is happening and is consenting to the situation. This is therefore considered ethical compared to when a person has multiple relationships without people knowing, which is commonly known as cheating.
Ethical vs Consensual
Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) is sometimes now used instead of the ENM terminology. The main reason for this is that there is an option to not be cheating and still not have everyone be fully aware of everyone. In some eyes that practice is not considered ethical and therefore should not fall under the ENM banner. This discussion includes relationship types like “Don’t ask, don’t tell”, “100 miles rule” or “monogamish” as they may or may not fall into the ethical distinction depending on who is asked. Because of the ambiguity of what is ethical and what is not, some people prefer to specify that it is consensual. This moves the concept away from the connection to possible different norms and values that differ from person to person and towards favoring non-monogamous relationships that are consented to by all participants. This is now a more common term in sexology, relationship studies and gender studies due to the more specific definition.
Exclusive
A relationship dynamic which excludes other additional sexual or romantic relationships outside of the already established dynamic.
Female Lead Relationship
A Female Led Relationship (FLR) is a dynamic in which the woman assumes the dominant or primary decision-making role within the relationship. This can encompass various aspects, including household management, financial control, and the direction of the couple’s activities. The arrangement is consensual, with both partners agreeing to the structure and roles that best suit their relationship dynamics.
Flock
A relationship role geared towards the dynamics in a Spiritual type bdsm lifestyle. Similar to a group of people who identify as being in a house with, or in a leather family with each other.
Friends with mutual feelings
Friends who share similar feelings or attraction for one another.
House
This term is often used to describe members of a chosen family, rather than a non-chosen biological family. A house can be used to describe a collection of people, sometimes in a hierarchical relationship structure, who share the same space, whether that be IRL or virtually. House structures may sometimes involve the use of relationship terminology from vanilla family nomenclature, such as mother, father, brother, sister, etc. In the 1990 film Paris is Burning, which details the New York drag scene, the concept of houses and family-based naming convention is common. The film depicts houses as surrogate or replacement families for the film’s characters, who have often been abandoned or disowned by their biological families. A house creates a safe space (physically and psychologically) for its members to explore gender identity, sexual preference, and personal stylistic choices, among many other things. In online spaces, such as FetLife, houses are used in a similar way to that explained above. They are online communities that share agreed-upon values, principles, and common interests. House members often have defined roles in care giving, support, or mentoring.
Intimate
A relationship that is very close or familiar. This however does not indicate sexual activity or the exact different connections, just that there is a very close connection between these people within their preferred dynamic.
Joyfriend
A neutral term to use for a significant other who is non-binary instead of boyfriend and/or girlfriend.
It is sometimes also used to describe a friend you only have sex with but don’t have a formal relationship with.
Kindred Spirit
A relationship between people who share the same thoughts, feelings, interests, beliefs, attitudes and values.
Leather Family
A group of people who have bonded through the Leather lifestyle and have decided to join together as a family. A leather family usually has structure and protocols in place.
Life Partner
A person who you share your life with long-term and share most if not everything with.
Long-Distance Dynamic
A long-distance dynamic, often abbreviated as LDD, usually refers to a dynamic done over long distances without a vanilla world long-distance relationship (LDR) attached to it. This makes LDD and LDR two separate, and not mutually exclusive types of relationships.
Long-Distance Relationship
A relationship, typically romantic in nature, between people who do not see each other frequently or who live far apart. This may or may not include a Long distance play dynamic (LDD) between people.
Lover
A lover is a person you connect with in love and have a sexual relationship with. Generally the term is used more loosely by people that are polyamorous, but the term originated around this relationship being one that wasn’t a primary relationship. ‘Lovers’ used to not always be known to the public and was a word often used to describe a partner out-side of marriage (or an affair)/cheating in a monogamous relationship. Nowadays the relationship often implies that the relationship is either happening at the same time as other relationships in the form of Ethical non monogamy or is not following traditional relationship patterns (e.g: intending on marriage).
Monogamy
A form of relationship where two people are exclusively in a relationship with one another. Commonly the connection is romantically and sexually exclusive, however people in a monogamous relationship do not have to be married or living with each other (sometimes referred to as nesting partners). Friendship and other more casual non-sexual or non-romantic connections with other people are not necessarily excluded, however in some cases people may agree to limit casual connections with people who are the same gender as a monogamous person’s partner. There are people who identify as monogamous but have agreements within their relationship to be “open”. This could mean that they are open to engage in sexual connections with other people. This may possibly be limited by agreed upon restrictions such as only being allowed when they are together with their partner (e.g: swingers). These agreements are often considered to be part of Ethical Non-Monogamy, however many still may consider themselves to be essentially monogamous. The are also cases where people in a monogamous relationship will engage with others outside of the connection with their partner and their knowledge. This could be an agreement that is often called “Don’t ask, don’t tell”, where their partner gives consent but doesn’t want to hear about any activities or relationships. However in most cases this would be considered “cheating”.
Nesting Partner
A partner with whom one shares their living space on an ongoing basis. Usually used in the context of polyamorous relationships, where a person may have one or more nesting partners as well as non-nesting (sometimes called “satellite”) partners.
Platonic
A relationship that can be intimate and affectionate but does not include sexual activity or sexual attraction. The term is often used for close friendships, but also increasingly indicating asexual connections between people that do have a romantic relationship.
Play Partner
A play partner typically refers to an individual with whom someone engages in consensual, non-committal, and often casual sexual or kink-related activities. The term “play” in this context generally signifies engaging in activities for pleasure and enjoyment, often this will involving taking part in scenes together involving BDSM or kink. Play partners may have pre-established agreements or negotiated boundaries regarding the types of activities they are comfortable with, as well as any limits or specific interests they may have. Play partnerships can vary in duration and level of commitment. Some play partnerships may be ongoing and involve regular or intermittent encounters, while others may be more sporadic or limited to specific events or scenarios.
Polyamory
A type of relationship where a person consensually can have many relationships with different people. This is a form of Ethical Non-Monogamy. There is a wide spectrum of different connections that polyamorous people may have with their partners but they often contain ongoing or “committed” relationships. The origin of the word comes from Ancient Greek πολλοί (polloí) ‘many’, and Latin amor ‘love’. Also referred to as “poly” or “polyam”, however, there is an ongoing discussion about which abbreviation is appropriate as Poly is often used by people from Polynesia. Polyamory is not a “one way” to have a relationship, it is an open framework where people will make agreements and consent to the way people conduct themselves and have relationships with each-other and with others.
People that are polyamorous will often talk in shorthand about what their preferred style is, like: “anarchistic solo-polyam”, “kitchen table closed quad” or “mono-poly with a nesting partner”. This kind of shorthand is however no replacement for communicating the often intricate agreements people have with different partners and how that is applied in practice.
Common terms:
Polycule: A group of people that are connected with one another through their own relationships and the relationships of their partners and potentially to degrees of separation beyond that. Can be seen as a chosen family group.
Metamour: The partner of your partner that you do not have a relationship with.
Poly Saturated: A state where a person or polycule does not have more practical space and/or time to have a relationship with more people.
New Relationship Energy: (NRE) )A term to describe when a person is engaging in a new relationship and the additional heightened emotional state and hyperfocus that a new interest can bring. This energy can be intense as people get to know each other but is usually temporary.
Common shapes:
Triad: A polycule of 3 people where all people have relationships with one another.
Quad: A polycule of 4 people that have relationships between them in a way that connects all of them via each other.
Vee: Also called a “pivot”. A person that has two relationships with people that do not have a relationship with one another.
Solo: A person that is likely to live on their own and maintains multiple relationships without a hierarchy between them.
Common agreements/styles:
Hierarchical: A group of people that have relationships between them, but where some relationships are considered “primary” and others are placed in a potential ranking of importance. Often the primary partners are cohabitating and the “secondary” are guests.
Non–hierarchical: The agreement that within the relationships there should not be a pre-defined order of priority, but coexistence is achieved between everyone in the polycule so that everyone’s needs are met in the best possible way.
Anchor Partners: An alternative to “primary” and sometimes also defined as “Nesting partners” where the hierarchical part is dropped, but the practical side of people cohabitating is considered. Also due to the cohabitation these people will sometimes fall back onto each-other for initial support.
Kitchen-Table Poly: An agreement where all members of the polycule ideally would come together comfortably and are able to interact about their relationships, their needs, concerns and emotions. Collectively making decisions that would impact the polycule.
Parallel Poly: An agreement where metamours do not interact with one another, but are aware of each other’s presence. Any concerns, needs or emotions are managed by the shared partner and not by the metamours. Commonly something that happens in “Vee”-style relationships, but also common for solo-polyamorous people.
Polyfidelity: An agreement within the polycule that people will not look for new romantic or sexual connections outside of the current polycule. This is also sometimes considered a “close” polycule and can be happen when polysaturation has been reached by the members of the polycule.
Relationship Anarchy: A form where the agreement is that all participants are free to engage in romantic or sexual relationships with people without defined rules. They are free to explore and evolve the relationships as they change. The connection between people is rooted in the trust that people will take care of their own needs, take care of their relationships and will make sure that polysaturation will not cause an issue with existing connections.
Mono–poly: Identifying that one or more people in the relationship is monogamous towards their partner, but their partner is polyamorous with consent of the monogamous partner.
Poly–Asexual Not all relationships are based on sexual or romantic contact. A partner relationship with no desire for sex with other people may still want the capacity to share their partner with others.
Cheating
Even though there are plenty of options to engage romantically and sexually with people, cheating is still possible within polyamory. Agreements made between people in polyamorous relationships can still be broken depending on the relationship this could include things like Fluid bonding without consent of other people in a relationship or not disclosing a new partner.
Relationship solution
In some cases people in a monogamous or open relationship will try polyamory as a way to “save” the relationship. However many will find that polyamory is not a solution and will only highlight potential problems even more. Communication is key and within polyamorous relationships partners are often having to do a lot more work to communicate and make sure people are all on the same page.
Protecting
A trusted friend that guides, protects and helps. This can include talking through BDSM concepts, helping to vet potential play partners, and generally being there as a guide and confidant to assist and look out for someone. This can be in person or online and can mean having a person or a venue under their protection. This type of relationship is usually non-sexual and non-romantic.
Polycurious
Someone who is curious about polyamory.
Queer platonic Partner
A queer plantonic partner or QPP is a strong partnership that goes beyond friendship. A QPP relationship is often referred to as platonic love and is characterised by a deeper emotional connection, level of commitment, intimacy, and affection than friendships.
QPP is also sometimes used to describe gray asexual relationships. A QPP differs from Friends with Benefits which is more sexually focused. Queer platonic partners may cuddle and kiss or share other physical affection and may decide to be monogamous or polyamorous together. It may be fully platonic (non sexual, non-romantic), somewhat romantic, or with sexual perks depending on the arrangement between the people in the relationship. There are no rules other than the ones that you set.
A queer plantonic crush is often called a squish.
Relationship Anarchist
An ethically non-monogamous individual who does not perceive a hierarchy in relationships with friends, sexual or romantic partners. Connections within relationship anarchy are understood to be fluid and in motion, and the Relationship Anarchist’s even considers themselves to have a strong relationship with themselves. Sometimes they consider their relationship with themselves to be a “primary” type of relationship. Relationship Anarchy is sometimes abbreviated to RA. Often relationship anarchy is practiced by people that identify themselves as solo poly, but this is not exclusively so. In general they consider any kind of connection to be a “relationship” and they manage those depending on what connection is between them. A staple ethos is that they value all connections, but will allocate their time and effort to different connections differently based on the connection, not the perceived value they “should” be. How they shape their connections and how they communicate about their connections differs greatly. Common analogies for describing their relationships can involve “galaxies” with attraction forces, drawer cabinets with drawers for a connection type or a village with different inhabitants. The most common analogy is that relationship anarchy is the opposite of a “relationship escalator” or “relationship ladder” (where relationships are moving towards a goal like marriage or children). They may therefore refer to relationships in terms of not seeking to “level up” but just existing in their own space without any levels or steps to achieve. These relationship are connections to have independent of how society may perceive them to belong in a certain “stage” of a relationship.
Rope Partner
Rope partners are partners that are dedicated towards each other in their rope journey. Their connection is meaningful and goes beyond merely tying with each other. Their connection is often deep and soulful with a lot of trust in place between them. They may feel an emotional or spiritual connection when they tie together and are very familiar with one another; they know what to expect from each other during a session and guide each other in learning how to tie and how to model. Rope partners may be known as an influencer, educational or performance couple and may not be romantically or sexually involved with one another.
Scene Partner
The term “Scene Partner” can be considered a subcategory of “Play Partner,” which is often used as an umbrella term for anything from a “casual encounter” to a “FWB” or “NSA” to a “Comet” to a “Secondary,” and anything in between and even beyond. Meanwhile, a “Scene Partner” is specifically one with whom you negotiate and engage with in desired activities and safety measures, as well as aftercare for a particular scene.
Situationship
A romantic and/or sexual connection, possibly exclusive, that’s not formally labelled. The space between “committed relationship” and “friends with benefits”. Situationship is often less stigmatizing than “It is Complicated”.
Solo Poly
Solo poly refers to a person that has a polyamorous style of connection with people but also acts and behaves in a way that resembles someone that is single and independent. They are likely not living with any of their partners or are financially dependent on them. This may be a lifestyle choice or due to certain circumstances. Sometimes “solo poly” also refers to a person that is polyamorous, but does not have any relationships currently. An alternative term used for solo poly is sometimes “singleish”. Solo polyamory is also often linked with Relationship Anarchy due to the independent nature of the individual they may consider any relationship they have not to be part of a “relationship escalator” (focused on a goal e.g: getting married and having children). Due to this stance there is sometimes some fuzziness around what relationships look like to a person that is solo poly so sometimes other people may consider their relationships to be “less serious” than relationship that focus on traditional goals like nesting together. This however is often not the case for the people in these relationships.
Soulmate
An implied lifelong bond with a romantic or sometimes platonic partner.
Tribe
Some folks use this term to describe a group of people they have formed close bonds with based on similar outlooks, interests, vibes, etc. Similar terms include: circle, fellowship, chosen family, crew etc. It is important to understand: Some people think non-native people using this term outside of its original context may disrespect the significance of tribal identity to indigenous peoples.
Twin Flame
A relationship rooted in spirituality where there is a deep connection between two people whose souls “mirror” each other. This type of relationship may have both a healing and challenging nature.
Uncollared
The antonym to “Collared”, Uncollared is the status of a formerly collared s-type who has gone through the process of Uncollaring.
Like a ‘BDSM divorce/breakup’, giving back the collar is considered a symbolic sign that a relationship based on Power Exchange will no longer exist. This may also include making a contract null and void, if a contract between participants was used. Certain s-type lifestyles may have jargonistic terms for being uncollared, such as identifying as a ‘stray’ if a petplayer.
Under Protection
Someone who is protected by someone else during their BDSM journey. Usually this person is a trusted friend that can talk them through BDSM concepts, help to vet potential play partners, and generally be there as a guide and confidant to assist and look out for them. This can be in person or online. This type of relationship is usually non-sexual and non-romantic.