Inclusivity, Not Just An Afterthought
Inclusion in BDSM is not just a philosophy but a necessity to ensure that everyone who feels called to the lifestyle has a space to explore, engage, and thrive. Unfortunately, many are familiar with the crass and oversimplified statements tossed around by some, such as “all men desire a submissive woman” or “men must kneel before women.” These notions do more than just misrepresent BDSM; they pigeonhole people into roles based solely on their anatomy, perpetuating outdated stereotypes.
To truly embrace the essence of BDSM, it is critical to understand that dominance and submission, as well as every other dynamic, are not tied to what someone has between their legs. The idea that baloney ponies and/or vajayjays dictate one’s place in the power exchange is not only false but damaging. Instead, BDSM offers a vast landscape where people can find the role or combination of roles that resonate with their inner desires, regardless of their gender identity or biological makeup.
Inclusion is a two-way street. It is easy to fall into the trap of perpetuating old dogmas, but those who practice BDSM are tasked with ensuring that discussions about the lifestyle are free from those biases. The notion that one must fit into a pre-defined role based on biology is not just outdated but harmful to the core values of consent, exploration, and authenticity. The goal of BDSM is for everyone to engage in it so that feeds their soul and allows them to explore parts of themselves they might not otherwise. For some, that might mean playing the role of a dominant. For others, it could mean submitting and for many, it means switching fluidly between roles, depending on the person and the situation.
To foster inclusivity, it is crucial to call out these biases when they arise, whether in online discussions, at events, or in casual conversations. The belief that “men must kneel before women” or “women are naturally submissive” is not just a reflection of cisnormative thinking but ignores the diversity within the lifestyle. People who do not identify as men or women, who may be non-binary, genderfluid, or otherwise, are equally deserving of respect, representation, and inclusion in BDSM spaces. It is essential to recognize that inclusivity extends beyond gender identity and includes race, sexuality, physical ability, and mental health.
By recognizing that BDSM is about the connection between individuals, the exploration of power dynamics, and the pursuit of mutual satisfaction, it becomes clear that roles like dominant, submissive, switch, and every other identity within BDSM are fluid, customizable, and open to all. The idea of universal truths, such as “all men desire X” or “all women must do Y,” diminishes the rich complexity of the lifestyle. In BDSM, there is no room for such rigidity.
At the heart of the lifestyle is consent and communication. This means listening to what each person needs, desires and is comfortable with, regardless of their gender identity or physical attributes. The lifestyle is an equalizer, where the only thing that matters is the connection and shared understanding between individuals. If someone feels the calling to submit, dominate, or explore another aspect of BDSM, it is their choice and theirs alone to make.
Inclusivity, at its core, is about making space for everyone to feel heard and seen without the weight of stereotypes dragging them down. When these old dogmas are perpetuated, whether knowingly or through carelessness, they alienate and silence those who do not fit into neat categories. It is up to those within the BDSM community to remember that the most important element is the authenticity of the individuals involved. What someone has or does not have between their legs, or how they identify, should never be the starting point for determining their role in BDSM. Instead, it should be about understanding their desires, needs, and capacity to engage in consensual, fulfilling relationships.
Everyone, no matter how they identify, deserves the chance to express themselves fully in the lifestyle. For some, that might mean claiming their power as a dominant. For others, it might mean embracing vulnerability as a submissive. And for many, it means finding a unique balance of the two, challenging traditional expectations and assumptions.
This lifestyle thrives on the diversity of its participants and the myriad ways they can connect. To reduce it to a one-size-fits-all model based on outdated cisnormative thinking is to strip it of its depth and complexity. Inclusivity, then, is not just an afterthought but a core principle that should guide every discussion, every negotiation, and every interaction. By challenging the dogmas of the past, embracing inclusion, and understanding that roles in BDSM are not tied to anatomy, the lifestyle can continue to grow, evolve, and offer space for everyone to explore their authentic selves.