How to Spot a Fake Dominant: Fifty-One Red Flags You Should Know
In the complex and nuanced world of BDSM, one of the most frequently asked questions by submissives is how to avoid fraudulent or fake dominants. Distinguishing between genuine dominants and those who exploit the lifestyle for personal gain or power can be challenging. This comprehensive look intends to shed light on the subtle and not-so-subtle signs that differentiate authentic dominants from pretenders. By identifying these red flags, individuals can protect themselves and cultivate relationships based on trust, respect, and mutual consent. From immediate demands for submission to the inability to handle rejection, this comprehensive compilation will equip you with the knowledge to help spot fake online dominants and navigate the BDSM community with confidence and discernment.
Immediate Demands for Submission – A common sign of a fraudulent dominant is the immediate demand for submission or personal information. Such behavior is frequently observed among those posing as genuine dominants but lacking a sincere interest in building trust and mutual consent. In authentic BDSM relationships, trust and consent are cultivated gradually and not demanded abruptly. Genuine dominant individuals recognize the importance of establishing a respectful and consensual connection before requesting any personal disclosures or submissive acts.
Lack of Experience or Knowledge – A notable indicator of a faux dominant is the lack of in-depth knowledge about BDSM practices, safety protocols, and the critical importance of consent. These fraudulent d-types often exhibit a superficial understanding, frequently relying on stereotypes or misconceptions rather than substantial expertise. In contrast, genuine dominants possess a thorough comprehension of BDSM principles and prioritize the well-being and informed consent of all parties involved. Authentic dominants are dedicated to ongoing education and practical experience, ensuring a safe and respectful environment for all participants.
Disrespect for Boundaries -A significant warning sign of a fake dominant is the disregard or dismissal of personal boundaries. Such individuals may push a submissive to engage in activities they are uncomfortable with, showing a blatant lack of respect for their limits. In a genuine BDSM relationship, boundaries are fundamental and respected by all parties involved. Trust is built on the understanding that each person’s limits will be honored and any push beyond those boundaries is consensual and safe.
Overemphasis on Titles -Another common trait of fraudulent dominants is an overemphasis on titles such as “Master” or “Sir.” These individuals may be fixated on being addressed with honorifics without earning the respect that typically accompanies such titles. Genuine dominants understand that titles are symbolic of a deeper, consensual dynamic that must be established over time. The focus should be on mutual respect and understanding rather than mere titles.
Focus on Sexual Gratification – A red flag often associated with faux doms is an undue focus on their sexual gratification. These individuals may prioritize their pleasure over the mutual connection and pleasure that is foundational in a healthy dominant/submissive relationship. True dominants understand that a balanced dynamic is key, where the pleasure and satisfaction of both parties are equally important. They foster a relationship that is rooted in mutual respect, consent, and shared experiences.
Pressure to Prove Submission – An indicator of a fraudulent dominant is the pressure exerted on a submissive to prove their submission through extreme or unsafe acts. This behavior disregards the need for trust and consent to be developed gradually. Authentic dominants value the slow build of trust and understanding, recognizing that submission is a gift that should not be coerced. The emphasis is placed on creating a safe, consensual environment rather than on demanding proof of submission.
Embracing Vulnerability – A fake dominant may reject vulnerability, viewing it as a weakness, while a genuine dominant recognizes the strength of being vulnerable and open. True dominants understand that showing care, softness, and even traits traditionally considered feminine, like nurturing and empathy, can enhance the dynamic. They embrace a full range of emotions and characteristics, creating a richer, more authentic connection with their partner.
Lack of Communication – A lack of open and honest communication is a hallmark of a fake dominant. These individuals may avoid discussing desires, limits, and expectations, which are crucial components of any BDSM relationship. Genuine dominants prioritize transparent communication to ensure that all parties are on the same page and that consent is informed and enthusiastic. The absence of such communication is a clear sign of inexperience or disinterest in a healthy dynamic.
No Interest in Learning – A faux dominant often shows little interest in learning or improving their skills and knowledge about BDSM. They may rely on superficial portrayals or fantasies rather than seeking a deeper understanding of the lifestyle. Authentic dominants are committed to continuous learning and self-improvement, recognizing that knowledge and experience are key to maintaining a safe and respectful dynamic. Their dedication to education is a testament to their genuine interest in the well-being of their partners.
Inconsistent Online Presence – An inconsistent online presence is another red flag for identifying fraudulent dominants. These individuals may have multiple accounts or frequently change their usernames, making it difficult to verify their authenticity or history. Genuine dominants typically maintain a consistent online presence, which reflects their commitment to transparency and trust. This consistency helps to establish credibility and fosters a sense of reliability within the community.
Avoidance of Real-Life Interaction – Avoidance of real-life interaction is a common tactic used by fake dominants. They may make excuses to keep the relationship strictly online, avoiding face-to-face meetings. This behavior can be a sign of insincerity or a lack of genuine interest in developing a meaningful connection. Authentic dominants are usually open to meeting in person once trust has been established, recognizing the importance of real-life interaction in building a genuine dynamic.
Disregard for Consent – A fraudulent dominant often displays a disregard for obtaining clear, enthusiastic consent. They may assume consent rather than explicitly discussing it, which is a significant red flag. In contrast, genuine dominants prioritize explicit consent and ongoing communication to ensure that all parties are comfortable and willing participants. This commitment to consent is fundamental to maintaining a safe and respectful BDSM relationship.
Excessive Bragging – Excessive bragging about dominant prowess or sexual conquests is a typical trait of faux doms. These individuals often exaggerate their experiences in an attempt to impress or intimidate potential submissives. Genuine dominants, on the other hand, let their actions and the quality of their relationships speak for themselves. They understand that true dominance is demonstrated through respect, consent, and mutual satisfaction rather than boastful claims.
Emotional Manipulation – Emotional manipulation or guilt-tripping to coerce submission is a clear sign of fraudulent dominance. Such individuals use these tactics to undermine a submissive’s autonomy and force compliance. Authentic dominants build a consensual and respectful dynamic, recognizing that submission should be a willing and enthusiastic choice. They foster an environment of trust and mutual respect, avoiding any form of emotional manipulation.
Overuse of BDSM Terminology – The overuse of BDSM jargon and buzzwords without a genuine understanding of their meanings is another indicator of a fake dominant. These individuals may try to impress with terminology rather than demonstrating a deep knowledge of BDSM principles for example using P.R.I.C.K. (Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink) while believing the acronym referenced “cock and ball torture”. Genuine dominants use language thoughtfully and with purpose, reflecting their thorough understanding and respect for the lifestyle. Their communication is clear, respectful, and grounded in reality.
Disrespect Towards Other Dominants – Speaking disrespectfully or dismissively about other dominants is a trait often seen in fraudulent d-types. They may try to elevate themselves by putting others down, which is a sign of insecurity and lack of genuine respect. Authentic dominants recognize the value of community and the importance of mutual respect among peers. They understand that respect is earned through actions and attitudes, not by belittling others.
Inability to Handle Rejection – An inability to handle rejection or criticism, often manifesting as anger or frustration, is a significant red flag for identifying fake dominants. Such behavior indicates entitlement and a lack of emotional maturity. Genuine dominants understand that rejection and criticism are part of any relationship and respond with grace and understanding. They use these experiences as opportunities for growth and self-improvement.
Insistence on Secrecy – Insisting on keeping the relationship a secret is another common tactic of faux doms. They may avoid any public acknowledgment or interaction, which can be a sign of dishonesty or ulterior motives. Authentic dominants are usually open about their relationships, respecting the need for privacy while not hiding their dynamic. Transparency and honesty are crucial for building trust and ensuring the relationship is based on mutual consent and respect.
Quick to Anger – A short temper and quickness to anger when things do not go their way is a notable warning sign of a fake dominant. Such behavior indicates a lack of self-control and emotional maturity, which are essential qualities for a true dominant. Genuine dominants maintain calm and control, understanding that patience and composed behavior are key to fostering a safe and respectful dynamic. Their ability to handle challenges gracefully sets them apart from their fraudulent counterparts.
No Safety Discussions – Skipping discussions about safe words, limits, and safety measures is a clear indicator of a faux dominant. These individuals may neglect the crucial aspects of safety and consent, which are fundamental in BDSM relationships. Authentic dominants prioritize these discussions, ensuring that all parties understand and agree to the safety protocols in place. This commitment to safety reflects their genuine concern for the well-being of their partners.
Vague About Their Experience – Providing vague or inconsistent answers about their experience and history in the BDSM community is a typical trait of fake dominants. Such behavior can indicate a lack of genuine involvement or expertise. Genuine dominants are transparent about their background and experience, understanding that trust is built on honesty and openness. Their willingness to share their journey reflects their commitment to establishing a credible and trustworthy presence.
Overly Possessive – Displaying signs of excessive possessiveness or jealousy early on is a red flag for identifying fraudulent d-types. These individuals may attempt to control a submissive without establishing a mutual, consensual dynamic. Authentic dominants understand that trust and respect are earned over time, and possessiveness must be balanced with mutual consent and understanding. Their approach is based on building a healthy and consensual relationship rather than exerting control prematurely.
Avoidance of Community Involvement – Avoiding involvement in local or online BDSM communities is another warning sign of a fake dominant. Genuine dominants often seek community support and education, recognizing the value of learning from and contributing to the greater community. Fraudulent d-types may avoid these spaces to prevent their lack of knowledge or experience from being exposed. Involvement in the community reflects a commitment to continuous learning and genuine participation in the lifestyle.
Confined Community Involvement – Restricting their involvement to a single clique, tribe, squad, or posse while being dismissive of other views or practices is a characteristic of fraudulent dominants. These individuals may only engage with a specific group that reinforces their beliefs and behaviors. Genuine dominants, however, are open to diverse perspectives and willing to learn from various sources. Their broad engagement with the community reflects a commitment to growth and a genuine understanding of BDSM principles.
Lack of Respect for Your Life Outside BDSM – Showing little respect or interest in a submissive’s life outside the BDSM relationship is a significant red flag. Fraudulent dominants may focus solely on the dynamic without considering the overall well-being of their partners. Authentic dominants understand that a balanced relationship includes respecting and valuing all aspects of their partner’s life. They show genuine interest in their partner’s hobbies, passions, and personal life outside of BDSM.
Unwillingness to Compromise – A rigid unwillingness to compromise or adapt is a common trait of fraudulent dominants. These individuals may disregard the needs and preferences of their partners, insisting on their way without negotiation. Authentic dominants understand that a healthy BDSM relationship requires flexibility and willingness to meet each other halfway. They value their partner’s input and work together to create a dynamic that satisfies both parties.
Using Fear Tactics – The use of fear tactics or threats to maintain control is a clear sign of a faux dominant. This behavior undermines trust and mutual respect, relying on intimidation rather than consensual power exchange. Genuine dominants build trust through positive reinforcement and mutual respect, avoiding any form of coercion or fear. Their approach is rooted in creating a safe and consensual environment where both parties feel valued and respected.
Lack of Accountability – Refusing to take responsibility for mistakes or shortcomings is a typical behavior of fake dominants. These individuals may blame others rather than acknowledge their faults. Authentic dominants understand the importance of accountability and are willing to own their actions. This willingness to accept responsibility reflects their maturity and commitment to maintaining a respectful and trustworthy dynamic.
Too Much Focus on Kinks/Fetishes – An excessive focus on specific fetishes or kinks without considering the broader aspects of a dominant/submissive relationship is a red flag. Fraudulent dominants may be overly fixated on their desires, neglecting the holistic nature of a healthy BDSM dynamic. Genuine dominants recognize that a successful relationship encompasses emotional, mental, and physical connections. They strive to create a balanced and fulfilling dynamic that respects all aspects of their partner’s needs and desires.
No Interest in Your Pleasure – Showing little interest in a submissive’s pleasure or satisfaction is a significant indicator of a faux dominant. These individuals may prioritize their own desires over the mutual enjoyment that is fundamental in a healthy BDSM relationship. Authentic dominants value their partner’s pleasure and work to ensure that the dynamic is mutually satisfying. Their focus is on creating a balanced relationship where both parties feel fulfilled and respected.
Contradictory Behavior – Frequent contradictions between stated principles or rules and actual behavior are a warning sign of a fake dominant. This inconsistency can indicate a lack of genuine commitment or understanding of BDSM principles. Genuine dominants demonstrate consistency and reliability in their actions and words. Their behavior reflects their stated values, creating a stable and trustworthy dynamic.
Dismissive of Your Concerns – Dismissing or belittling a submissive’s concerns and feelings is a clear sign of a fraudulent dominant. Such behavior indicates a lack of respect and empathy, which are essential in a healthy BDSM relationship. Authentic dominants take their partner’s concerns seriously and address them constructively. They value open communication and strive to create a supportive and respectful environment.
Constant Testing – Constantly testing a submissive’s desire to serve in manipulative or unhealthy ways is a red flag for identifying fake dominants. These individuals may undermine trust and stability by pushing boundaries without regard for safety or consent. Genuine dominants build a trust-based relationship through positive reinforcement and mutual respect. They understand that submission is a treasure that should be nurtured and respected, not tested incessantly.
Inappropriate Public Behavior – Engaging in BDSM behaviors in inappropriate or non-consensual public settings is a significant warning sign of a faux dominant. This behavior shows a lack of respect for the comfort and consent of both the submissive and those around them. Authentic dominants are mindful of the context and ensure that all activities are consensual and appropriate for the setting. They prioritize the comfort and well-being of their partner and others in public spaces.
Ignoring Limits – Pushing past a submissive’s stated limits is a clear indicator of a fake dominant. Such behavior is unsafe and disrespectful, undermining the trust that is fundamental to a BDSM relationship. Genuine dominants respect and honor their partner’s limits, understanding that these boundaries are crucial for maintaining safety and consent. They work within these limits to create a fulfilling and respectful dynamic.
Overly Secretive About Personal Life – Being excessively secretive about their personal life is a trait often seen in fraudulent dominants. This secrecy can hinder the development of trust and transparency in the relationship. Authentic dominants are open and willing to share aspects of their personal life, fostering trust and connection. Their transparency helps build a strong foundation for a healthy and respectful dynamic.
Overemphasis on Appearances – An excessive focus on appearances rather than genuine, respectful interaction is a common trait of fake dominants. These individuals may prioritize how things look over the substance of the relationship. Genuine dominants value authentic connection and interaction, focusing on building a meaningful and respectful dynamic. Their actions reflect a commitment to the well-being and satisfaction of their partner.
Quick to Criticize – Frequent criticism or belittling of a submissive, rather than offering constructive feedback, is a red flag for identifying fraudulent d-types. Such behavior can undermine confidence and trust in the relationship. Authentic dominants provide constructive feedback and encouragement, fostering a positive and supportive environment. They understand the importance of building their partner up rather than tearing them down.
Constant Need for Validation – A constant need for validation or praise from a submissive is a sign of insecurity often seen in fake dominants. These individuals may rely on external validation to feel confident in their role. Genuine dominants are self-assured and do not require constant praise to validate their dominance although they do enjoy heartfelt praise/compliments. They focus on building a mutual, respectful dynamic where both parties feel valued and secure.
Inappropriate Online Behavior – Engaging in unprofessional or inappropriate behavior online, such as making crude comments or sharing explicit content without consent, is a significant red flag. This behavior reflects a lack of respect and consideration for others. Authentic dominants conduct themselves professionally and respectfully online, understanding the importance of maintaining a positive and consensual presence. Their online behavior is consistent with their values and principles.
Excessive Focus on Power Exchange – An undue emphasis on demonstrating power rather than creating a balanced and respectful dynamic is a common trait of faux dominants. These individuals may prioritize power over mutual respect and consent, using dominance as a means to assert control rather than to foster a healthy, consensual relationship. Genuine dominants understand that a healthy BDSM relationship is built on balance and mutual respect. They focus on creating a dynamic that honors the needs and boundaries of both partners, ensuring that power exchange is approached with mutual consent and a shared sense of respect.
Inconsistent Communication – Erratic or unreliable communication is a significant indicator of a fake dominant. This inconsistency can make it difficult to have meaningful or productive discussions, undermining trust and connection. Authentic dominants prioritize clear and consistent communication, understanding its importance in maintaining a healthy relationship. They ensure that their partner feels heard and valued, fostering open and honest dialogue.
Overlooking Emotional Needs – Neglecting to address or consider a submissive’s emotional needs is a red flag for identifying fraudulent d-types. These individuals may focus solely on the physical aspects of the dynamic, ignoring the emotional connection that is crucial for a healthy relationship. Genuine dominants recognize the importance of emotional well-being and strive to create a dynamic that supports their partner’s overall health. They value the emotional connection and work to ensure that their partner feels emotionally fulfilled and supported.
Dismissal of Personal Growth – Dismissing or discouraging a submissive’s personal growth and development outside of the dominant/submissive relationship is a clear sign of a fake dominant. These individuals may try to limit their partner’s autonomy and growth. Authentic dominants support and encourage their partner’s personal development, recognizing that a healthy relationship allows for individual growth. They value their partner’s aspirations and work to create a dynamic that supports their overall well-being.
No Help Needed – Fake dominants often do not seek out a potential partner or partner as a genuine collaborator in their lives. They are unlikely to have personal goals, dreams, or projects that involve their partner’s support or participation. Instead, their focus may remain solely on asserting dominance or fulfilling personal desires, without engaging in meaningful collaboration or shared aspirations. In contrast, genuine dominants view their partners as integral to their lives, working together on mutual goals and fostering a dynamic of shared growth and respect.
Seeking Therapy or Help for Mental Health – Fraudulent d-types may avoid seeking help for mental health issues, viewing it as a sign of weakness. In contrast, genuine dominants understand the importance of mental health and are willing to seek therapy or help when needed. They recognize that maintaining their mental well-being is crucial for a healthy and respectful dynamic. Their willingness to seek help reflects their commitment to personal growth and the well-being of their partners.
Talking About Personal Things – A fake dominant may avoid sharing personal details or being vulnerable, while a genuine dominant is willing to talk about personal matters and allow themselves to be vulnerable. This openness helps to build trust and a deeper connection within the dynamic. Authentic dominants understand that vulnerability is a strength and are willing to share aspects of their lives to foster a genuine, respectful relationship.
Showing Emotions – A fraudulent dominant may view showing emotions, even tears, as a sign of weakness. In contrast, genuine dominants understand that expressing emotions is a sign of strength and authenticity. They are comfortable showing their true selves, including their emotions, to build a deeper, more meaningful connection with their partner. This emotional openness fosters trust and respect within the dynamic.
Not Following Blindly, Baa Baa – Fake dominants often behave like sheep, copying others’ content and focusing primarily on porn. They lack originality, relying on reposting others’ pictures and words without adding any unique insight or personal touch. True dominants distinguish themselves by creating an authentic and distinctive presence, avoiding superficial trends, and instead fostering a genuine connection with their partner. Their commitment to originality and individuality sets them apart from those who merely follow the herd.
Evading Tough Questions – A red flag indicating a fake dominant is their tendency to avoid answering difficult or critical questions about their practices, experience, or beliefs. These faux dominants may deflect or evade inquiries that require them to provide detailed explanations or justifications for their actions and principles. Genuine dominants, on the other hand, are usually open to discussing and defending their views. They recognize the importance of transparency and accountability in establishing trust and credibility within the BDSM community.
Identifying a fake dominant involves recognizing a range of behaviors that reflect a superficial or manipulative approach to BDSM. Authentic dominants demonstrate respect, empathy, and a genuine commitment to building a healthy, consensual dynamic. By understanding the traits of fake dominants, individuals can better navigate the BDSM community and foster relationships that are respectful, fulfilling, and grounded in mutual trust and consent.