In BDSM and kink, there is a tendency to look to the past for guidance, whether it is through following traditional roles, structures, or images. While it is important to honor the foundations of the lifestyle, it does not mean that we must be tethered to outdated ideals or limited by what others expect. True fulfillment in the world of BDSM and kink comes from embracing who you are, not from following the herd. It is crucial to let go of the idea that we must fit into predefined molds and to encourage individuality and authenticity in the lifestyle.
The world of BDSM has evolved over the years, and while many traditional practices continue to be meaningful for those who choose them, it is vital to remember that these practices should not be a burden. There is no need to simply replicate the past or pretend to conform to roles that do not resonate with you. One of the most common ways this pressure manifests is through the overuse of certain images or ideas that have become clichés in the BDSM world.
Take, for example, the prevalence of dominants who identify as wolves. It is an idea that has been so overused that it has almost lost any real meaning. The wolf archetype in BDSM represents strength, dominance, and leadership, but when it is continually repeated without originality, it loses its power. It becomes a symbol that is more about fitting into a trend than about expressing one’s unique identity. If your style and dynamic do not align with the idea of being a “wolf,” then it is perfectly acceptable to embrace a more authentic, original persona. You do not need to wear the skin of a wolf to be strong, dominant, or respected in the BDSM world.
Another example of this is the ubiquitous “headless” profile picture that has become all too familiar. These often feature men in suits or shirtless, showing off their “abs of steel” as if physical appearance is the only thing that matters. It is as though the individual behind the profile is trying to say, “I am dominant because I look a certain way.” While attraction may play a role in the start of a relationship, BDSM is so much more than superficial appearances. It is about connection, trust, and understanding. Being a good partner, whether dominant, submissive, or otherwise, goes far beyond what one wears or how many muscles they have. A headless picture might give the illusion of mystery, but it also removes the opportunity for real connection. It is much better to highlight who you truly are, to show the world your face, your thoughts, your personality.
Then, of course, there is the ever-popular “stern face.” We have all seen the photos of someone attempting to look dominant, but instead, they end up looking like they are struggling to pass a kidney stone. It is clear that the intention is to project seriousness or authority, but more often than not, it simply results in a stiff, uncomfortable expression that reads more constipated than commanding. If your role in BDSM is to be dominant, do not rely on clichés to communicate that power. A stern face does not make someone dominant. True dominance is shown through actions, through leadership, and through the way you engage with your partner(s), not the expression on your face. Authenticity shines through far more effectively than trying to force a look that fits an outdated mold.
When you embrace your authenticity, you are not confined by the patterns and expectations that others have laid out for you. Whether you are dominant, submissive, switch, or enjoy something else under the kink umbrella, it is essential to let go of the notion that you must follow the herd. The beauty of BDSM and kink is that it offers the freedom to explore and express yourself in ways that feel right to you, not in ways that conform to a trend. Embrace what makes you unique. Share what you enjoy, not because it fits the norm, but because it is authentic to you. Whether it is the way you dress, the way you communicate, or the way you form connections, being true to yourself will always create more meaningful experiences than simply trying to fit into a preconceived role.
BDSM and kink are about connection, trust, and authenticity. It is easy to get swept up in trends and clichés, but it is far more rewarding to embrace your individuality. Whether you are a “wolf”, whether you show your face or not, the most important thing is to highlight who you truly are. When you stop trying to be someone else and embrace your own unique identity that is when the true magic of BDSM happens.